


notes from the in-between

by radialarch



Category: Captain America (Movies) RPF
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, character bleeding as foreplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-07 10:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5452655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radialarch/pseuds/radialarch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian Stan: "Bucky Barnes", 2011 — present</p><p>(At some point, he thinks, he's stopped acting.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	notes from the in-between

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PointlessJumpcut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PointlessJumpcut/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide! Here is 5k of thoughts on certain actors. Love to S; I couldn't have done this without you.
> 
> This is a work of fiction. If your name appears in the work below, a) apologies, and b) please take a moment to consider reading something else.

**i.**

 

It starts like this: Sebastian auditions for Captain America.

He reads up a little on Captain America before he goes. Superheroes. The man literally wears an American flag and punches Hitler in the face. Subtle, he’s not.

But then again, what’s Sebastian got to his name? Half a dozen movies he can’t bear to watch and a handful of appearances on TV. _Kings_ wasn’t renewed and they might write him out of _Gossip Girl_. He can’t really afford to be picky.

“Yeah,” he tells his agent. “I’ll be there.”

———

They call him in more than once, but Sebastian doesn’t get his hopes up. They want a look — some kind of wholesome, all-American. He could bleach his hair and work on the body, but that’s not gonna change the fact that he keeps getting cast for these bad boy roles. Something about his face? He has no idea.

Captain America in a leather jacket. Yeah, right.

———

In late March the rumor starts going around that Marvel’s gonna cast some guy named Chris Evans for the role. Sebastian’s working on _Black Swan_ and _Hot Tub Time Machine_ , and he’s put Captain America out of his mind when he gets a call.

“Can you come back in?” casting wants to know. “We’d like to see you read for a different role.”

“Yeah, sure,” he says automatically. “Who is it?”

“Bucky,” they tell him. “Bucky Barnes.”

———

Who is Bucky Barnes? Captain America’s sidekick. He ribs him, gets rescued, and, at the appropriate moment, dies. On paper there isn’t much to him.

Still. There’s technical challenge in playing a minor character, figuring out how he works beyond the material given. And besides, Sebastian likes having a job.

He reads for Bucky Barnes, and when he comes out of the room, he lets himself think, _hey, that was pretty good_.

———

His agent calls.

“Marvel wants to sign you on,” she says. “Multiple films. It could be a little frustrating creatively, but honestly there’s no guarantee they’ll call you in for all of them.”

“How many?” he asks.

“Nine.”

Sebastian exhales. “That’s — they’re serious, huh.”

“Marvel likes guarantees,” his agent says dryly. “What should I tell them?”

Sebastian thinks about it — thinks about inhabiting Bucky Barnes for nine movies, learning to talk and move and think like him. It could be exhausting. He might hate himself at the end of nine.

He likes Bucky, though: likes his easygoing friendship with Captain America, and the story of a man lost to war. Sure, it’s a superhero movie, but maybe it’s easier to play the role true in bright primary colors. Art films are all about irony, these days.

“I’m not exactly seeing Oscars in my near future,” he tells her, wry. “Tell them yes.”

———

The first time Sebastian meets Chris is at the read-through. The studio’s scrapped their original plans and moved the shooting to London, but that’s two weeks off. For now Sebastian’s still in L.A., his shirt sticking a little to his skin, watching people settle tiredly into their chairs. A round of introductions. Samuel L. Jackson is nodding to Stanley Tucci in friendly recognition; Tommy Lee Jones looks delighted that his role will consist mostly of shouting.

The guy across the table has impressively broad shoulders and a voice to match, so Sebastian isn’t surprised to hear him say, “Chris Evans, playing Steve Rogers.” Sebastian mentally superimposes him over a comic panel. Yeah, the man could probably pull off that brand of earnest righteousness bound up with a character called ‘Captain America’. Sebastian’s not really suited for that. Sebastian — makes things complicated.

“Sebastian Stan,” he says when the room’s looking expectantly at him, “Bucky Barnes.” He waits for the attention to slide to the person to his right, exhales and thinks: _Keep it simple, Stan_.

One line at a time.

———

Here’s a thought: who is Captain America without Bucky Barnes?

Sebastian’s been reading the comics, but things have changed. Here, Bucky’s with him from the start; here, Bucky helps make Captain America.

He’s gotta sell that, he thinks. They’ve gotta be easy, comfortable like they’ve grown into the shape of each other. That’s the heart of it: they’re a pair.

Because Captain America is a symbol, and symbols keep their hands clean. Sebastian sees very suddenly, clearly, how it works. Bucky stands in the shadows, and Bucky does the things Captain America cannot do. That’s what Bucky agrees to do when he goes back to war.

You’ve gotta love someone to do something like that, Sebastian thinks. You have to — believe.

———

They start filming late July. The first day on set, makeup spends half an hour disheveling him artfully before they send him off into the mock-up bar. When Joe says, “Okay, let’s get this show on the road,” Sebastian wraps his hand around the glass and waits for Chris to stride into frame.

It’s wrong from the beginning. Sebastian can tell the role’s not sitting on him right; his lines are fine but the camaraderie feels forced. In contrast Hayley is archly poised, Chris warmly affectionate. They fit together, no room for him in between.

After three takes Joe stops and waves Sebastian over. “Stan,” he says, and Sebastian braces for — something, anything, but Joe just says, “Try being a little more conflicted.”

Sebastian blinks and says, “Sorry?” He regrets it as soon as he says it.

Joe waves a hand. “Things are changing,” he says. “Maybe you’re losing something. All right, you’re allowed to be a bit of a selfish bastard. You’re drunk and you’re tired and you’re wondering if your best friend’s moved on. So be unhappy. Let yourself be unhappy.”

Sebastian mulls that over. Here’s Bucky, come back from hell; here’s Steve, turned a marvel. He gets the girl, gets to be a hero. What’s Bucky got left?

It occurs to him that maybe Bucky’s always been afraid of losing Steve. What does he say? _It’s a horrible dream_. except instead of waking up he’s gotta keep on living, and maybe it’s not fair to be bitter but it’s the drinks and bone-deep weariness and the realization crashing down, that he’s been wanting something he could never have all along —

Sebastian stops abruptly and finds Joe still looking at him. He considers, and tries, with a tired sort of bitterness: “It’s a horrible dream.”

“Better,” Joe says, approving, and points him back to the cameras. Sebastian goes, and thinks, _well, why not_.

The next take goes smooth as glass. He’s still feeling the cracks in Bucky’s heart when Chris looks him over.

“You all right?” he asks.

Sebastian thinks about the things you can’t have, and breathes, and says, “Yeah, it’s fine.”

———

Sebastian doesn’t have any more scenes in London, and they’re not doing war scenes for another month or so. He gets a refresher in how to fight, looks up war documentaries and studies how to hold his body like a soldier. He reads more comics, trains with his stuntman. And he watches Chris.

Well, he watches Steve.

He’s distantly aware that this is probably not what Joe had meant, but once the idea’s taken hold it won’t let go. After all, isn’t the tragedy of Captain America all the possibilities, the future he never got to have — and isn’t that Bucky’s, too, and everyone who’s been lost to war, that he desperately wanted something that would never come to pass —

Bucky’s not the hero of this story. Most people will probably walk out of the theater and forget him in a minute. But maybe Sebastian’s spent too much time in Bucky’s head, because god help him, he wants to get this right. If he can’t do anything else, at least he can do Bucky justice.

———

In September they go down to Caerwent, where Chris sheds his crisp army uniform for the Captain America costume. The first time Sebastian sees him in it, Chris gives him a self-deprecating grin.

“Kinda ridiculous, isn’t it,” he says.

“Well, yeah, a bit,” Sebastian says, and then adds on impulse, “The costume’s not too bad.”

Chris laughs. “I deserved that,” he says. “The other one’s better. This one’s just all — stretchy.” He makes a face. “At least you look like you could actually take someone in a fight.”

“Only after I’m covered in like twelve kinds of dirt,” Sebastian points out. “Can’t look too clean in a war. Anyway, aren’t you rescuing me today?”

“Yeah,” Chris says, “but I’m not supposed to look good doing it. You know, I think this is the first time I’ve been told, ‘Try to look like you don’t know what you’re doing’?”

“ _Do_ you know what you’re doing?” Sebastian says before he can stop himself.

“Not at all,” Chris says without missing a beat. “But don’t tell anyone.”

Chris’s voice is low and conspiratorial. Sebastian says, “Yes, sir,” and tosses in a crisp salute. They both last about half a second before they’re laughing again.

———

Joe gives Sebastian ten minutes to himself in the room and tells him to think about being tortured. Sebastian gives him a weak smile as he goes.

They’re filming in an actual military factory, though it’s been decommissioned for a while now. The air carries a faint chill, and Sebastian’s costume here isn’t the warmest. He sits on the table, feeling cold metal under his hands and thighs, and thinks about Bucky.

He and Neal and Derek had done the previous scene a couple of days before. He tugs at that memory, tries out the mixture of terror and disbelief. Bucky had seen people slaughtered, terribly, and been nearly certain he’d go the same way. So he’d done the only thing he could: he’d retreated into his head, reciting name-rank-serial like a prayer, and quietly, steadily, prepared to die.

It must’ve been like a miracle, when Steve came out of the darkness. It must have felt like a dream.

“Stan,” Joe says, and Sebastian startles. “You ready?”

The crew are already filtering into the room. He mutely lets himself be strapped down to the table. Waits.

He’s not a person. His body doesn’t matter. All he is are the words in his mouth.

A moment — a lifetime — later, Steve comes like a memory. Bucky, very softly, smiles.

———

By the time they leave Wales, Sebastian is exhausted. After a medley of CGI explosions, he’s died and Chris had tried his best to, which is always a little confusing. He’s got one more scene in Manchester and another in Liverpool, and that’s it for him, the end of Bucky. Maybe he should feel something about that, relief, disappointment, _anything_ — but mostly he feels hollowed out.

 _Cheer up_ , he tells himself. The Manhattan scenes are the beginning, Steve and Bucky’s friendship uncomplicated. It’ll be easy going, and then he can hang up his cape. Do press. Work on other projects. His agent’s tentatively looking at some sort of horror-thriller, that’ll be a change.

So maybe this role is fucking with his head. All he’s gotta do is wait it out.

———

Apparently, the original plan had been to shoot the earlier scenes with a body double for Chris. But Chris hadn’t been happy with that, and he’d convinced Joe to let him do more of the acting. Leander’s still doing scenes, but now Chris is, too, dressed in specially-made oversized clothing. It makes the blocking a little awkward, but Sebastian’s glad he gets to end this whole thing acting against Chris. It’s easier, somehow.

Well. Theoretically, it’s easier.

“Cut,” Joe says, exasperated. “C’mon, guys, you’re shaking hands like you just came out of a business meeting. Mix it up. Try for a little terrified.”

“Right,” Chris mutters as they get back into position. “Shake hands, with feeling.”

The thing is, Sebastian thinks, of course Bucky’s terrified. But he doesn’t want to think about what it means — has been very deliberately not thinking about it. Their last night, and he can’t bear to ruin it by thinking about the future.

But Steve — stubborn, hopeful — brings back the war, doesn’t he. And at that moment, before Bucky can ready himself, maybe it’s okay to show something real under that pretense. Someone a little scared, vulnerable — and, after all, still very, very young.

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” Sebastian says, and Chris smiles at him, soft; and before he’s thought about it Sebastian’s stepped forward and folded Chris into a hug. Chris goes shocked and stiff for the briefest moment before his arms come up to pat Sebastian on the back, and Sebastian lets himself relax into the warmth of the hug, the solidity of Chris’s body against his, and feels the rightness of that move all the way down to his bones.

———

There’s a wrap party, where Sebastian stammers at an increasingly bemused Sam Jackson for ten minutes before despairing and throwing himself into his drink. By the time Hayley’s reenacting her surprised groping of Chris for an uproarious crowd, Sebastian’s definitely feeling very pleasantly buzzed.

“Hey,” Chris says, wandering over with his own drink. “Kinda early to start drowning.”

“I told Samuel L. Jackson I loved him in _Pulp Fiction_ ,” Sebastian says mournfully. “And I think I called the director ‘Quarantino’.”

Chris pats him consolingly on the shoulder. “If it helps,” he points out, “he’s over there laughing at me right now.”

“Well,” Sebastian says. “Maybe a little.” he grins. “So, you working on anything interesting after this?”

“Oh god,” Chris groans. “A romcom. And then I’ve gotta be Cap again. You gonna be back for the next one?”

“Well, I’m dead,” Sebastian says wryly, “and Marvel doesn’t tell me anything. Naw, I’m set to die in some ghost movie and then: auditions.”

“It’s an actor’s life,” Chris agrees. “Look, I gotta —” He tips his head at the crowd. “But even if you’re not back, don’t be a stranger, yeah?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Sebastian says, straight-faced. “I’ll text you all my thoughts on the romcom.”

———

Sebastian goes home. He stops being Bucky Barnes.

 

 

 

 

**ii.**

 

By the time 2012 rolls around Sebastian’s done with _Gone_ (awful) and _The Apparition_ (same). He’s in the middle of negotiations with ABC when Chris calls him one night.

Sebastian had, in fact, texted him his thoughts on _What’s Your Number?_ , an exercise Chris had greeted with a string of sad faces. Their last conversation is still on his phone:

 _> chris pratt is hotter than you_  
_> man, you think that’s why anna married him?_

“Hey,” Sebastian says, “what’s up?”

“Listen,” Chris says. “I’m gonna be in this movie.”

“Wow,” Sebastian says. “I'm shocked. You do that often?”

“Shut up,” Chris says, laughing. “Look, you ever look at all the stuff you’ve done and think, god, what the hell is it all for?”

“Well,” Sebastian admits, “I mean, yeah. Dude, are you drunk?”

“No,” he says. “Well, not like that. But I feel good about this, okay. It’s like — it’s like it means something, what I’m doing, you know? Like I get to tell a story that’s worth listening to.”

And the thing is, Sebastian _does_ know. After all, how many nights had he thought the same thing, wondering if he’d ever get a chance to do something worthwhile?

“Hey,” he says, “that’s great, that’s fucking fantastic,” and he means every word. “Who’s doing it? You’re not playing like, man #2, are you?”

Chris laughs again. Now that he’s got his news out he seems almost abashed. “It’s the main character, actually,” he says. “The director’s Korean, it’s his first English film, but he’s just, god, absolutely brilliant.”

Sebastian listens while Chris tells him all about _Snowpiercer_ and Director Bong, and makes encouraging noises at all the right times. Afterwards he finds he’s been grinning at his phone all the while, but he’s also flat-out exhausted.

Well, it’s late. _You’re getting old, Stan_ , he tells himself, and goes to bed.

———

Sebastian gets tapped for a political miniseries in March, around the same time he starts filming for _Once Upon a Time_. He’s keeping busy; no one can say he’s not trying.

He’s not — unhappy, exactly. He’s got nothing to be unhappy about. but ever since his conversation with Chris he’s been skirting around the small hollow place in his chest, like he’s become aware of wanting something he’s not supposed to want. And he should probably examine that — they say good things about self-awareness — but Sebastian is, in the soft places of his heart, afraid. Hell, if he’s being honest he’s fucking terrified, that he’ll learn something about himself he doesn’t want to know, and maybe one day he’ll be ready for that but he can’t, not like this.

So he works. He tries not to think very much.

———

In July he gets a call from a friend he hasn’t talked to in a while. “Dude,” he says as soon as Sebastian picks up. He’s shouting a little — it sounds like he’s somewhere loud. “You never said the next Cap movie’s the Winter Soldier.”

“What?” Sebastian says.

“Yeah,” he says, “I’m at Comic Con, Marvel just did their announcement. You fucker, how long have you been keeping that a secret?”

Sebastian says, weakly, “Thirty seconds?”

“Bullshit.”

“I swear, Marvel tells me fuck all.” Sebastian groans. “Listen, can you call me back? I feel like I should, I don’t know, call my agent or something.”

He hears laughing over the speaker. “You're actually serious, oh my god.”

Sebastian hangs up. After a moment, he puts his face in his hands.

———

Back when the first movie was still in pre-production, Sebastian had thought a lot about what kind of person Bucky must have been, to become the Winter Soldier. People broke in different ways. Bucky had broken into the shape of a weapon, and that said something: about his relationship with the war, and death, and even Steve. Now he’s looking at it from the other side.

What is it like, then, to be a weapon?

Sebastian puts Cold War thrillers in his Netflix queue. He has a feeling he’s gonna be thinking about that one for a while.

———

When the script lands in his mailbox, Sebastian blocks off an afternoon for reading, which he does, twice. Then he spends five minutes pacing his apartment.

The script is _good_. He recognizes the comics in it, but it’s not about the Cold War anymore. It’s become a story about the here and now, about the messy complicated country that’s adopted him, and it’s smart and exciting and Sebastian is —

Sebastian isn’t sure he can do this.

It was one thing to imagine Bucky burning slowly in the shadows, but here their relationship’s center stage. This time, he’s gotta play Bucky as Steve brings him home, and that scares him like it’s his own heart that’s gonna be laid bare on screen.

Chris had texted him at some point, a picture of the script and a string of exclamation marks. Sebastian types and deletes more messages than he can count and in the end just says, _fight choreo’s gonna be brutal_.

Chris sends back a smiley face. Sebastian looks at it for a long time, then pulls up _The Manchurian Candidate_ on his laptop and hits play.

———

Marvel’s signed on Anthony and Joe Russo to direct this time around, and they want to take a more realistic approach. Chris is thrilled about this and spends hours talking to them about what kind of fighting style Cap might have. Sebastian doesn’t quite go that far — the Winter Soldier is more sheer brute force — but he still wants to do as many of the scenes as he can. Which means: training.

It turns out that one of Sebastian’s stunt doubles, James, is doubling as fight choreographer. He sets Chris up with mixed martial arts training with a bit of gymnastics. Sebastian’s is more weapons-oriented, but no less physical, and he staggers out of the gym at the end of the day feeling like he’s been flattened by a truck.

Chris is, infuriatingly, in way better shape.

“How do you do it,” Sebastian groans into his beer. “You’re like, flipping off walls and doing fucking parkour. I’m pretty sure all my muscles have resigned in protest.”

“No pain, no gain,” Chris say solemnly, and then cracks up a second later. “No, I know, I felt like I was gonna die when I was training for _Fantastic Four_.”

“Oh good,” Sebastian says. “When’d you stop feeling like death?”

“Well.” Chris pretends to think about it. “ _Rise of the Silver Surfer_.”

“I hate you,” Sebastian says, with feeling. “As soon as I get the feeling back in my arms I’m gonna stab you with my plastic knife.”

Chris just laughs and pats him on the shoulder, which hurts. The bastard probably knows it. “I’ll get you another drink.”

———

At some point the costume people come to fit him out. They bring with them three Winter Soldier arms that are all slightly different.

“You can probably feel this one’s a lot heavier,” says Deborah, patting the star on the shoulder. “It looks more impressive, but it’s less flexible, so you probably don’t wanna be wearing it for action scenes.”

Sebastian looks in the mirror. It _is_ heavier, pulling uncomfortably at his shoulder and spine, but it looks — christ, it looks fantastic. He shrugs his shoulder thoughtfully and uncurls the fingers.

“I gotta wear this one,” he says. “A lot of the Winter Soldier is the look, you know? He’s gotta be impressive in action, it’s part of how he works.”

“It’s gonna be tough,” Deborah says doubtfully. “It’s not really designed for that.”

“I’ll do more shoulder exercises,” he promises her. “But this — this is the one.”

———

Eventually, Sebastian does get better. He’s not exactly ready for the Olympics, but the motions of the Winter Soldier are coming more naturally to him. The costume helps; it shuts him off from the rest of the world, traps him inside his head.

James decides it’s time to start pairing him off with Chris. “I know we call it fight choreography,” he says, “but think of it more like a dance, right? You’re not working against him, you’re working with him. You probably can’t actually beat him up —”

“Thanks,” Sebastian says dryly.

“— but you can definitely make it look good.” He grins and waves Chris over. “C’mon,” he says, “let’s beat up the Winter Soldier.”

———

 _It’s like a dance_ , James had said. In the end, Sebastian knows the workings of Chris’s body almost as well as his own.

———

In March, Marvel signs on Robert Redford as Alexander Pierce, and Sebastian promptly gets very drunk.

“ _Three Days of the Condor_ ,” he says. “ _All the President’s Men_. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve watched _Butch Cassidy_?”

“ _I know_ ,” Chris says. “I can’t believe he wants to do a fucking superhero movie.”

“It’s gonna be terrible,” Sebastian says. “ _We have scenes together_. He’s gonna talk to me, and I’m gonna like, fall over, or throw up, or forget my lines —”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Chris says slyly. “It’s not like you _have_ a lot of lines.”

“Robert Redford is going to touch me,” Sebastian says, sulking. “That's in the script. Think about that while you do your multi-line scenes.”

———

The thing is, Sebastian has one line with Robert Redford, and it is about Steve. He wonders if he and Chris aren’t talking about that on purpose.

He never meant for this thing to get so big. It had made sense at the time — Bucky with a small secret close to his heart, afraid that he might lose Steve to something bigger than himself. Now they’re each other’s anchor to the past, and Sebastian thinks maybe it’s a little too late to go, “So I think my character’s in love with your character.”

He can’t possibly say that to Chris. He has no idea how Chris would react to that. And if Chris didn’t see that, was kind without understanding why Sebastian had chosen to play it that way — or worse, if he refused to see at all —

So. Sebastian can’t tell him. That’s just how it is.

———

Filming starts in April, but Sebastian doesn’t have much to do. Chris and Scarlett Johansson are tag teaming an actual war ship out on Long Beach, and the Winter Soldier doesn’t really come in until halfway through the movie. He tweaks his Bucky playlist, adds a little more metal, and tries not to get too nervous. It’s not like this is his first rodeo.

In May they go down to D.C., and Sebastian shoots his first scene.

It’s easier than he’d expected. They’d shut down three miles of highway for the scene, but it still feels a little surreal, transgressive, to walk over the bridge. He taps into that. The Winter Soldier is a trespasser wherever he goes. The costume makes him feel dangerous, and he’s gotta be dangerous to attack Captain America like this, in full daylight, like violence is the only thing he knows.

And then Chris says, “Bucky?” like his heart is breaking, and suddenly, he knows something else.

———

In Cleveland, Sebastian does a scene with Robert Redford. He does not forget his lines, mostly because he doesn’t have them, but he does trip over his feet and run into the fridge. Robert Redford does not laugh, bless him, and gives Sebastian acting tips instead.

Sebastian might be a little in love with Robert Redford.

———

Sebastian thinks about the things you want, and things you can’t have, and says, “But I knew him.”

———

They stay in Cleveland for another month, while Sebastian tries to kill Nick Fury and Cobie Smulders has more fun than just about anyone else. The last scene they shoot is the flashback. For that they cut Sebastian’s hair and slick it back, dress him up in a suit, while Chris goes back in clothes too big for him.

Maybe this might be easier if he were a different person, or Chris; but he is who he is, and Chris looks up and gives him a very small, crooked smile, and Sebastian wonders, abruptly, what it’d be like to kiss him. Wants it, white-hot, so much that he can’t breathe.

His hand tightens Chris’s shoulder but he still manages his line, and he very carefully does not think about Chris’s mouth.

———

Sebastian is, maybe, panicking a little.

There’s a difference, he knows, between him and Bucky, and just because Bucky wants to kiss Steve that doesn’t mean he should want to kiss Chris. But somewhere along the way he’s crossed a line, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

“Stan,” he says out loud, “you are not Bucky Barnes.” It doesn’t change a goddamn thing.

This is, Sebastian thinks, what he’d been avoiding all this time. For a moment he’s breathlessly angry at himself: for being stupid, for never wanting the right things.

It passes. Sebastian breathes, keeps breathing until he’s stopped shaking, and then stands up to go take a shower.

———

At the wrap party Sebastian gets drunker than he should, faster than he should. He vaguely watches Mackie charm Robert Redford for a while, nods at Grillo, and eventually wanders off without a real destination in mind.

Chris catches up with him ten minutes later. “Hey,” he says, “you all right?”

Sebastian means to say he’s fine, but what comes out of his mouth is, “You know what my last role was?”

Chris frowns. “Don’t think so.”

“It was this miniseries,” he says. “Sigourney Weaver was basically Hillary Clinton. And I was this messed-up kid — her son, actually.” He pauses. “Anyway, it turned out T.J. — that’s me — was stupidly in love with this guy. He did a lot of dumb things because of that. He was never really happy.”

“Sounds tough.”

“I don’t —” Sebastian says, “I don’t wanna be typecast.”

Chris says, gently, “Hey.”

“Bucky’s in love with you,” Sebastian says. He doesn’t think he’s ever said it out loud. “With Steve, I mean. Fuck, I’m all mixed up. I think I went in too deep.”

Chris stops Sebastian walking with a hand on his shoulder. He has a complicated expression on his face. “Is it just the role?” he asks. “Filming’s always intense, it can get to your head.”

“Yes,” Sebastian says. “No. I don’t know.”

Chris takes a breath, like he’s making up his mind, and then says, “If I wanted to kiss you, would I have to do it as Steve Rogers?”

Sebastian stares at him for a second while he processes that, then he’s pulling Chris in by his shirt. Chris is only an inch taller than him but it feels like the distance he has to close to Chris’s mouth is a lot longer than that.

It’s not, honestly, a great kiss. Sebastian’s coordination is shot and Chris isn’t ready for it. But when Sebastian pulls back he feels strangely unmoored, like he’s dropped out of the world into somewhere new and strange. Somewhere where it’s okay to want what he does.

Chris grins, slow and pleased. “You know,” he says, “you didn’t exactly answer the question.”

Sebastian laughs, because it’s either that or cry, and says, as steady as he can, “Shut up.”


End file.
